(mouths squelching) - Says here we ain't got no traffic.

- No sir.

The milk truck ain't due till the forenoon.

(phone ringing) - [Caller] Hello?

It says here that your podcast gives free life advice.

- Yeah, so long as we got the phone anyways.

- And we stay alive.

- [Caller] I'm trying to make sense of things.

I need to stop living someone else's life.

- Well, that's sensible.

- Yes, sir.

A sheep ain't a goat, shouldn't live like one.

- No sir.

Nor a wood rat, neither.

- [Caller] Wood rats??

What are you talking about?

Wait, why are you guys dressed up like bulls?

- He can see us?

- I think we got the wrong button pushed.

- We ain't bulls.

We're steers.

- [Caller] What's the difference?

- Change the angle for the boy.

- Yeah, yes sir.

There.

Down there way in the back.

You see?

- [Caller] I don't see anything.

- Well, that's the difference, son.

- [Caller] I don't know.

I still don't get it.

- You would if it ever happened to you, boy.

- [Caller] Whatever, but the horns look great.

Great costumes.

- Yep, you too.

- [Caller] I'm not wearing a costume.

- You got red hair.

- [Caller] I was born with red hair.

It's not a costume.

- Well, we was born with horns and you just said them was.

(phone ringing) - I think the young man hung up on us.

- Well that ain't right.

- Oh, sure.

We was just pointing out the obvious.

- Not obvious to him apparently.

- Too busy living someone else's life.

- Yeah, well that's a human tragedy.

(phone ringing) - [Caller] Hello?

Is this Rack and Pinion Explain It All For You?

- Yep, I'm Rack.

- And I'm Pinion.

- [Caller] Oh, that is so cute.

How long have you guys been doing a podcast?

- Since Ronnie dropped his phone in the barn and we took it.

- Oh, who's Ronnie?

- Our driver.

- [Caller] Oh, you mean like a chauffer?

He drives you around town?

- Around the woods mostly, between the stumps.

- With a big old stick.

- Once a year, the county fair.

- Different place, no stumps, same stick.

- [Caller] Oh, he hasn't come looking for the phone?

- Most every day.

Ain't found it yet.

- [Caller] Well, I love the country decor and the costumes.

- Makes you feel like you're living somebody else's life, don't it?

- Ah, totally.

Who's that behind you?

- That's Chester.

- White-tailed deer.

- [Caller] Aw.

Why is he so nervous?

- It's November.

- Nervy month for a whitetail.

- So every November we let Chester into the barn and stash him in the feed stall till the season gone by.

- [Caller] Does he ever calm down?

- Oh, that ain't in nature.

Ain't never met a mellow whitetail so far as I can remember.

- Well, there was that yearling fella a few years back.

The one with the skipper rack.

Friendly, coolest cucumber.

What was his name?

Johnny or Jody?

- Josie.

- That's the one, Josie.

- Nice fella.

- Nice fella.

Remember the time he brung us some poplar branches to munch on from the other side of the back corner fence?

- Yeah, and that time he brought a good feed of apples to them for Massachusetts fellows all dressed in orange.

- Yes, sir.

They was some excited to see him.

Came all tumbling out of that big white Cadillac vehicle they had.

- Yep, last apples Josie ever ate.

- That's a fact.

Weren't that the biggest vehicle you ever seen?

- Yes sir, looked right smart with Josie strapped onto the luggage rack on top.

- Tongue hanging out like he was begging for a pop's blue ribbon.

- Oh, getting Chester all wound up here.

- Toby.

(Toby barking) Need a carrot here.

- Yeah Chester, munch on that a while.

- [Caller] Hello?

I'm still here.

- Oh yes.

So what it be you need explained?

- [Caller] Well, I need to figure out my why.

- Should be right before your Z, I imagine.

- Yes sir, even us dumb ox know that.

- [Caller] No, no, my why as in my because.

My reason for existence.

I need a direction.

- Direction?

Well, there's Gee.

- Gee.

- And there's haw.

- Haw.

- What?

- Hold the water.

Let me get them human words.

Chester.

(phone beeping) Says here that gee is right and haw is left.

So you want direction, you go Gee- - Gee.

- Or you go haw.

- Haw.

- [Caller] Well, what if I need to back up?

- Never back up.

- Ain't natural.

No creature on the planet should ever have to back up.

- How many times Ronnie tried to back us up in the woods, put us right in the pucker brush?

Burdock on a backside, stick as flies.

- Tails folded in half like them fancy Velcro sneakers.

- Even Ronnie's precious Belgian horses won't back up for him.

(horse neighing) - Yeah, we're talking about you.

Highborn boys in your fancy oak stall.

- Burn hay 11 months of the year just so Ronnie can trot 'em out here at Christmas time.

Charge city people the nose off their face for a 10-minute sleigh ride through the woods.

(horse neighing) (bells ringing) - Well, don't you go jingle bells on us, you hay burners.

Four bells a day so you can ripple your muscles at 17 hands high, look down on us.

- Toby.

(Toby barking) - Sheep got out, Toby.

Loose sheep in the horse stall.

(Toby barking) (sheep neighing) - Oh, pipe down.

You ain't so special.

- [Caller] Hello?

I'm still here, again.

- Yep, so next time you see a stump in your way, you go gee.

- Gee.

- And next one after that, you go haw.

- Haw.

- And you'll just twitch at your load of logs right out of the woods just like that.

- [Caller] And never back up.

- Never.

- Ever.

- [Caller] Oh my God.

That is so helpful.

You've changed my life.

Thank you.

(phone ringing) - Well by Jesus.

We got traffic now.

(phone ringing) - Morning.

What ails you?

- [Caller] (sighs) I feel empty.

- Oh, that ain't right.

- [Caller] I need to show up more fully, fully and completely to the consequential moments of my life.

- More full.

Yep.

- What do I do?

- You need a good old mash of oats.

- [Caller] What?

What's a mash of oats?

- Hold the water.

We'll ask the genius here.

Chester.

(phone tapping) - Gruel.

You need a good feed of hot gruel.

- [Caller] Oh my God, gruel?

I'll vomit.

- Oh, the taste don't make no nevermind.

We got four stomachs and gruel ain't never come back up on us.

- And if you think you can't hold it down, have a good fistful of rhubarb pie.

- You'll think it's your birthday.

- Yeah, Ronnie's mother been making him a rhubarb pie for his birthday ever since time began.

- And the only thing Ronnie ever pops out is a lot of skull every 10 minutes.

- [Caller] (hiccups) Oh my God, I'm going to be ill.

- Well, then you get some gruel cooking on the stove right quick and that'll see you through all the seasons.

- Summer.

- Winter.

- Mud.

- Hunting.

- Gee.

- Haw.

(phone beeping) - Morning.

Got a question?

- [Caller] How do you presume to know anything?

- Well now, here's a man angry as a hornet.

- Angry as Ronnie gets when the smelt ain't running when they supposed to.

- [Caller] Who's Ronnie??

What's a smelt?

- Well, just because the frogs are croaking by the north corner of the barn, Ronnie decides the smell are running up to Flagstaff, so he goes clear up there and gets nothing but an empty net, 'cause they're running over to chain up pawns instead.

You ain't never seen him so ugly mad.

- Yep, came back down here with his trappers pistol gunning for them frogs to take his revenge.

They was all gone to ground too.

- [Caller] Are you even listening to me?

- Sure we are.

You're looking for smelts and you can't find none.

So if I was you, I'd wait for the frogs on the south side of the barn.

They set the croaking good when the manure pile starts to thaw.

- [Caller] I am not looking for smelts.

I am looking for the Louvin.

That's why I called.

Where are the Louvin?

- The who?

- The Louvin.

You don't even know who the Louvin are, do you?

- Can't say that we know.

- [Caller] How do you presume to call yourself explainers when you can't tell me who the Louvin are?

Your pretension of knowledge is completely false.

- Do you know who the Louvin are?

- [Caller] The Louvin are Ancient mystics who have the secret to eternal life and contentment.

I've been following and seeking them for years, pursuing their secrets in all corners of the planet.

- Wow, that's a hobby.

- Is it easier to find than smelts?

- [Caller] Last year in the woods of Idaho, I found their empty campsite with fires still smoldering from a midnight feast of salmon eggs and roasted elk.

This spring, I found their trail in northern Minnesota.

It led to a hut in the remnants of another huge feast of roasted wild turkey and boar's head.

And just this week, I found their giant table on an island in the Allagash waterway littered with the remnants of a giant breakfast of native trout, leg of moose, and venison sausage.

- Well by Jesus, they're gonna be some plump by the time you catch up to them, ain't they?

- Been slowing them down some, I imagine.

- [Caller] I will find the Louvin and I know that the Louvin are now in Maine.

- Yep, but bad news is that they ain't here in the barn.

- No one here has ever told us they're Louvin.

- [Caller] You know less than nothing.

A true Louvin would never admit that he's Louvin.

The first thing a Louvin would do when asked if he's a Louvin is to deny that he's Louvin.

- Yep, well then there's good news.

- What?

- We are Louvin.

- Yep, born natural.

- [Caller] What?

That's ridiculous.

You're not Louvin.

- How do you know?

- Gee.

- Haw.

(upbeat music)